Mr & Mrs Middle England: Old Gimmer Winter
Winter, bloody winter.
The days shrink, the evenings stretch, and with them comes the gloom — at least if you listen to Mr Middle England, Ipplepen’s very own Old Gimmer.
For him, the lead up to the so-called “festive season” isn’t joyful at all.
It’s futile, depressing, and every year he starts muttering long before the first mince pie lands on the Co-Op shelves.
At one point, in a fit of despair, he even considered volunteering for a helpline — thinking that listening to other people’s misery might, at the very least, cheer him up.
The problem, of course, is that Mr Middle England wouldn’t last long.
Being the curmudgeon he is, he’d soon be demanding to know why the helpline wasn’t turning a profit.
He’d probably suggest automating the whole system:
• If you’re feeling suicidal, press 1.
• If you thought you’d phoned a chat line, press 2.
• If you’re just wasting time, press 3.
Add a John Cleese voiceover and a few bars of the Funeral March while on hold, and callers would be over the edge in minutes.
Mrs Middle England, meanwhile, has her own way of coping with winter.
While her Old Gimmer sits in the Con Club or Welly, expounding at length about it all being bollocks and balderdash, she’s already made the house cosy, stocked the cupboard with ginger wine, and is quietly humming along to the carols he insists he hates.
She rolls her eyes at his grumbles, pats his arm, and tells him to “stop being so bloody miserable.”
“Come on,” she says, “fresh air will do you good.”
And out he goes, reluctantly, whereupon he deploys the one skill that defines him: the closed-mouth yawn.
Delivered with perfect timing, it signals to all within range that winter is here, life is a burden, and he simply knows Christmas is nothing but trouble.
Mrs Middle England just smiles, adjusts her scarf, and carries on walking.
Between them, they’ve found a balance — his grumbles and her cheer, his gloom and her humour — that makes winter in Ipplepen bearable.
And truth be told, in its own way, it’s rather wonderful.
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