Reflections from the Junk Mailbox
by David Palethorpe
Just out of interest the other day, (OK I was bored), I went through my junk emails.
Normally, I just open the folder, select all, and delete without reading anything — on the theory that if it’s important, whoever sent it will get in touch again.
However, this time I decided to take a look.
And I have to say, it was quite an education.
Apparently, I’ve qualified — though I don’t remember applying — for an enlargement of my manhood.
Who knew?
Unless someone’s filled out the form on my behalf, or it’s simply something that kicks in automatically when you reach a certain age, it came as a complete surprise.
Then there were the more “serious” ones: three separate emails from different sites, all claiming they’d been tracking my online conduct and knew exactly what I’d been up to.
According to them, I’d been visiting websites of a rather dubious character — the kind involving males and females demonstrating levels of athletic flexibility that would qualify them for the Olympic gymnastics team.
Their demand was simple: send them $600 or they’d release the “evidence” on my social media accounts.
Now, I can see how some people might panic at that, even if completely innocent.
My own reaction was rather different — relief, actually.
I thought, “Thank goodness someone can tell me what I’ve been doing!”
I’ve reached the age where I often walk into a room and can’t remember why I’m there, so it would be quite handy to have someone tracking my movements, fictitious or otherwise.
Of course, there’s a serious side.
There are plenty of people who might feel threatened by such scams.
But it also made me think about the absurdities of the online world.
Take shopping, for instance. I recently went into a large supermarket in Peterborough to buy the essentials — sausages, bacon, milk, bread.
You know, the basics.
Yet outside was a pop-up stall from which I was offered double glazing.
Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve never gone out for a pound of sausages and thought,
“You know what?
While I’m here, I might as well get central heating, a new boiler, and some roof tiles.”
It makes you wonder how effective those sales pitches really are.
Has anyone ever stopped mid-shop and thought,
“Perfect timing!
Just what I need — triple glazing with one-way windows”?
Mind you, if you did have one-way windows, at least you wouldn’t have to worry about people spying on you and threatening to publish what you supposedly get up to in your own home.
Anyway, next time you’re tempted to hit “Select All” and delete your junk emails, maybe take a minute to browse through them.
They can be quite amusing.
In one afternoon, I discovered I apparently need total debt relief for my financial freedom, canvas prints of all my photographs, a complete bathroom remodel (including a Jacuzzi bath that wouldn’t fit in our bathroom if I tried), home security systems from concerned Americans in Utah, and — best of all — a “Shein Mystery Box” that I’ve been “specially selected” to receive.
And let’s not forget the many young, attractive, single women from Eastern Europe who seem very eager to get to know me.
I rather suspect that if they actually did get to know me, they’d quickly change their minds — and Liz would most certainly have something to say about it!
So, there we have it: the curious, ridiculous, and occasionally entertaining world of the junk mailbox — proof that even in the digital age, there’s still plenty of comedy in everyday life.
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