Opinion Perhaps Nigel Farage Has Finally Solved the Overpopulation Problem
by David Palethorpe
I used to think Nigel Farage and his political offspring were simply sad and angry people with nothing better to do than cause division and hatred.
Angry about immigration, Brussels, bendy bananas — the usual stuff.
I even gave them the benefit of the doubt once, believing their endless declarations of “We’re not racist” were sincere, if a little over-rehearsed.
But lately, I’m starting to wonder if I’ve underestimated them.
Perhaps, beneath all the shouting and pint-waving, there’s a masterplan.
Because if there’s one undeniable problem facing the planet, it’s that there are too many of us — over seven billion humans cluttering up the place.
Maybe, just maybe, Reform UK has found a brilliant but cruel solution: deportation as population control.
Take their modest proposal to deport 600,000 residents of the United Kingdom.
That’s only the starter course.
The main meal, one suspects, will come later, once they’ve warmed up the deportation vans and topped up the diesel.
Let’s look at the numbers.
Around 10% of teachers in this country are not UK-born — many of them teaching the dreaded STEM subjects: science, technology, engineering, and mathematics.
Deport them, and suddenly there’s no one left to explain how the internet works or why bridges don’t fall down.
But then again, who needs engineers when our manufacturing base has already gone the way of the dodo?
Think of the savings on education!
Next, the military.
We’ve got roughly 4,000 Gurkhas and another 6,000 non-UK nationals serving in our armed forces.
Deport them, and you can slash the defence budget overnight.
Sure, the army would shrink by almost 10%, but on the bright side, we’d be physically incapable of starting any more wars.
Peace through incompetence — it’s genius, really.
And then there’s the NHS.
About 13% of NHS staff are foreign nationals.
Get rid of them, and the queues in A&E will evaporate — not because anyone’s being treated, but because half the patients will have died waiting.
Infant mortality will rise, life expectancy will plummet, and — here’s the clever bit — the welfare and pensions bills will drop dramatically.
A leaner, meaner Britain, literally.
You see, once you strip out the people who keep the country running, the costs take care of themselves.
Fewer teachers, fewer soldiers, fewer doctors — and eventually, fewer citizens.
Reform UK might actually be the most effective population-reduction movement since the Black Death.
Of course, once the deportations are done, there’s always room for a Phase Two.
Perhaps a licensing system for childbirth — one child per couple unless you’ve been privately educated or can prove your great-grandfather owned a small section of Surrey.
Equality of opportunity, Reform UK-style.
So yes, maybe I’ve been too harsh on Mr Farage and friends.
Maybe they’re not just xenophobic populists shouting at clouds.
Maybe they’re visionary demographers with a bold new strategy for tackling overpopulation, pension liabilities, and public spending all at once.
The only downside, of course, is that when they’ve finished “saving” Britain, there won’t be many Britons left to enjoy it.
But Ho Hum those that remain will be able to have a whole County to themselves.
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