Mr & Mrs Middle England: Utilities Stop
by David Palethorpe
Mr & Mrs Middle England live in constant fear of the knock at the door or the unexpected phone call.
Not burglars, not trick-or-treaters — but something far worse: utility salespeople.
It starts innocently enough.
The phone rings, and a bright, synthetic voice cheerfully announces an offer to cut their electricity bill.
Mr Middle England listens for a moment before asking the obvious question:
“How do they know what I’m paying in the first place?”
Silence, of course, because even the robots don’t have an answer.
Within days, another call arrives, this time from the gas company.
Not to sell gas, mind you, but electricity.
Then the electricity company phones back offering gas.
Confusion reigns.
“Surely gas comes through pipes and electricity through cables?”
Mrs Middle England mutters.
“Are they going to dig up Ipplepen and lay their own?”
For the older generation especially, it’s a minefield.
They’ve been warned for years not to trust cold callers, but the sheer persistence of these utility crusaders chips away at their nerves.
A polite “no thank you” never seems enough.
British reserve prevents a sharp “bugger off” followed by a slammed door.
And just when you think it can’t get worse, along comes the robotic voice message.
“For savings on your bill, Press 1.
For even more savings, Press 2.
” It’s less a sales pitch, more a hostage negotiation.
Mr Middle England has a radical idea: report them not as nuisance calls, but as obscene phone calls.
Because frankly, there’s nothing filthier than being interrupted halfway through your shepherd’s pie to be told you’ve been “specially selected” for a tariff that looks suspiciously worse than the one you’re already on.
He even jokes about forming a hunting party to track down the advertising executives behind it all.
In his view, even estate agents and solicitors rank higher on the trust scale — which says everything.
Advertising, after all, has only one purpose: to make you dissatisfied with what you’ve already got.
And while some adverts are clever, even funny, the utilities racket is neither.
It’s just relentless.
So, Mr & Mrs Middle England have made their New Year’s resolution early: unplug the phone, bolt the door, and head down to the Welly and Con Club where the only thing anyone tries to sell you is another round.
Sometimes village life offers the perfect escape — even from the smooth talkers of the energy world.
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